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When do S and C sound the same?
When it’s necessary.
It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!!””
So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.
“Did…did you draw on my face while I was passed out?
Friend: “Yes, yes I did.”
“Why did you draw a dick?”
Friend: “Made me laugh.”
“Ha. Well, at least you did an amazing job.”
Friend: “Well, I traced it.”
Funny Jokes of the Day About an Irish Daughter
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. “Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?””
The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff… Dad…I became…a prostitute.”
“Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”
“OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath)… and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”
“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” asks Dad.
The girl, crying again answered, “Sniff, sniff…a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.”
“Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!”
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB
That was a trip down memory lane.
I went to a really emotional wedding yesterday. Nearly everybody was crying.
Even the cake was in tiers.
A flight attendant asks a man:
-Sir, do you want something to drink?
-What are my options?
-Yes and No
I won gold at a weather forecasting event yesterday.
I beat the raining champion.
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together.
Would they call it Amazon Web Services?
My wife has left me because I’m a gambler.
How can I win her back?
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body in combination with smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving such a lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
My Mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘Here comes the train’, and we always ate the food straight away.
Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid, “what am I going to do with two dead dogs?”
What’s the difference between a man falling from a 40 story building and a 4 story building?
One goes: “Ahhhhhhhhh…. Splat” And the other goes: “Splat….Ahhhhhhhhh”
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me. After 3years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
Called my wife the other day from work: “BABE MY LIFE IS IN RUINS”
Her: For the last time you are an archeologist and this shit is getting old.
I can’t believe no one has managed to come up with a cure for anorexia yet…
I thought it’d be a piece of cake…
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