Are you tired of finding all old long jokes here and there? Well, now we have dedicated this post to you with all the latest really funny long jokes of the day.
#44. Funnist joke about Germany, Russi, and Poland are competing in a vault breaking competition…
The rules of the competition are simple. There is a vault in the middle of a room. The light in the room is shut off for 3 seconds. In those 3 seconds the team can do whatever they want to the vault to try and get in. If the team manages to break into the vault before the light comes back on they get to keep everything in the vault as their prize.
The first team up is the German team. The Germans roll in with their tanks and signal that they are ready to start. The light goes off and immediately the sound of tank fire starts. 3 – boom – 2 – boom – 1 – boom. The lights come back on and the vault is still closed, but now it features a few large dents.
The next team up is the team from Russia. They walk up to the vault with bags overflowing with explosives and vodka. They signal that they are ready and the lights go off. 3 – 2- 1. The lights come back on and the vault is covered in explosives ready to be blown apart, but alas the vault is still closed.
The final team up is the team from Poland. They walk up to the vault with nothing but a few screwdrivers and a hammer. They signal that they are ready. 1 – 2 – 3 … 4 – 5 – 6. The lights stay off. Then a shout from the darkness rings out, “Jack what the fuck are you stealing the lightbulb for, look at all the money we stole!”
#43. A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange
Officer: May I see your driver’s license? Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle? Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the man who owns this car and stuffed his body in the trunk. Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who’s car is this? Driver: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the owner’ card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box, so I can see if there’s a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there’s a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet the liar told you I was speeding, too…
#42. Long joke about A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer
“That’ll be five dollars”, says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.
The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.
The next day, again.
On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor and yells “here’s your change asshole!”
The guy looks down at the coins and says: “I’ll have another beer, please.”
#41. Funny long joke About 3 guys were riding in a car
3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.
The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.
So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels’ rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.
Hardware tech: “Let’s try and fix it. I’ll crawl under the car and take a look. ”
Systems analyst: “No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes.”
Programmer: “Step back I know exactly what’s wrong and how to fix it. You guys relax”
*after 6 hours of struggle the car is running perfectly again*
Other Two: “Wow, How did you fix it?”
Programmer: “I have no idea.”
#40. Long Joke About The Barber Shop
This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and a half.” The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.” In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?” Bill looked up and said, “To your house.”
#39. A wife came home early and…
One day, a wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. Naturally, she was very upset.
“You are a disrespectful pig!” she cried. “How dare you do this to me! I’m a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!”
The husband replied, “Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.”
“Go ahead,” she sobbed, “but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!”
So the husband began, “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night. The ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments!
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.”
The husband took a quick breath and continued, “She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said…” “Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
#38. Funny long joke about Divorce
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”
“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.”
The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don’t have a car.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”
The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?”
“Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”
#37. Hilarious Long Joke About A Guy Walking Into A Bar
A man with a great personality and a wooden eye was at a bar.
He was feeling depressed thinking no one would love him due to his wooden eye. His friend encouraged him to hit on a nearby female who looked quite lonely.
Unknown to the two of them, the female was also feeling quite depressed due to her big nose. She thought that no man would be able to overlook such a flaw.
The man with the wooden eye decided to take his shot and approached the lone female and asked if she would like a drink.
The female was so shocked that a man with sub a great personality would talk with her.
“Would I?” “WOULD I?!?!?!” She exclaimed in excitement.
“BIG NOSE!” “BIG NOSE!” The man shot back.
#36. Really long joke about college pregnancy
A college girls rushes to the hospital. Her water has just broke and she is now in labour. As she begins to push, the doctor asks if the father should be present. She answers “I’m not really sure who the father is. You see, I was having a hard time paying for my college tuition. To make some quick cash I agreed to be in a gang bang porno. That’s where I got pregnant. There were a lot of guys, so I’m not really sure which one is the father.”
The doctor goes back to work and the girls continues to push. When the baby comes out the doctor says “I don’t know if this will help you narrow down who the father is, but the baby is black” The girl replies “That does help, there was only one black guy there” The doctor then adds “This may complicate it a bit, but the baby has blonde hair” The girl replies “Well there was one big Norwegian guy so that also makes sense” Again the doctor adds “The baby has small slanted eyes” The girl says “Well there was one Chinese guy in there too so I guess that makes sense too” Suddenly the baby begins to cry. The girl is overcome with relief. The doctor asks “Why are you so relieved to hear the baby cry?” The girls answers “I thought it was going to bark”.
#35. Funny Joke About a Man Decides To Join The US Marine Corps.
One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.
During training, he just can’t keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he’s called upon as a reserve.
35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.
Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of control and crashes into the lake.
Fishermen from around the lake start diving in, trying to rescue the driver, but the car has descended too far into the deep water.
The man steps up, and without a second thought, jumps in.
The fishermen watch as 30 seconds pass…
“He’s gone”, think the fishermen, “there’s no way he can survive this long under water”.
After 20 minutes, the emergency services finally arrive and the fishermen direct them to where the car went down.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, something bobs up to the surface… not one, but two people! The man had saved the driver!
As they pull themselves ashore, everyone gathers round in amazement. “How the hell did you manage to survive so long underwater and dive so deep?”
“Well, I’m retired now, but I have a lot of experience”, replies the man, “I spent 35 long years as a sub-marine”
#34. Hilarious Funny Pun About A Couple Leaving House For Dinner
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theater.
Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a ‘night light’ and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn’t want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn’t want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
“Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn’t scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard….she had better not shit in the vegetable garden again.”
The silence in the taxi was deafening….
#33. Really Funny Joke About First Time Buying Condoms At The Age of 16
My first time buying condoms at the age of 16. I went to the pharmacy. The hot cashier at the counter could see that I was new at it and gave me the pack asking if I knew how to use one. I said, “No, it’s my first time.” She took one out, put it on her thumb, and told me to make sure it was on tight. I still looked confused. She looked around the store to see if it was empty and it was. “Just a minute.” she said and locked the door. She led me to the back room, took off her shirt and bra. “You like these?” I could only nod my head. She said to put the condom on. As I was putting it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and laid down. “Come on.” she said. “We don’t have much time.” So I climbed on her. It was so amazing that I couldn’t hold back and KAPOW! I was done in two minutes! She looked at me concerned and asked, “Did you put the condom on?” I said, “I sure did!” …and held up my thumb to show her.
#32. Hilarious Long Joke About A man who had a 25 inch long penis
A man who had a 25 inch long penis went to his doctor to complain that he was having a problem with this rather massive instrument and has had more than one complaint. “Doctor,” he asked, in total frustration, “is there anything you can do for me?” The doctor replies, “Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you.” So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. “Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my last hope!” The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, “I think I may be able to help you. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem.” The man’s face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, “Will you marry me?”
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, “NO.” The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. “WOW,” he screamed out loud, “This is great!!” But at 20 inches it was still too long, so he asked the frog again. “Frog, will you marry me?” the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, “NO!” The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, “This is fantastic.” He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, “Frog will you marry me?” The frog looked back across pond shaking its head, “How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!”