Latest short funny stories for you. Check these top funny stories with puns to make you laugh all day. Some of the stories are funny long jokes that will make you giggle with laughter. So, you will get all humor of funny jokes, long jokes, funny long stories, funny puns, and laughing jokes. Hope you will enjoy.
25+ Short Funny Stories with Puns to Make You LOL
1. A son goes to his dad
A son, just turned 16, goes up to his father and asks him “Dad, can I take the car? I’d really like to take this girl on a date.” His father looks at him and says “Son if you want to take my car, there are three things I’m going to need from you. First is that you need to start helping your mother around the house. Not just what’s expected, but above and beyond. Second, start reading the Bible. I see the crap you continuously funnel into your brain, and you need to start reading something beneficial to yourself. Third, get a haircut. I’m tired of having a son that thinks he’s a rock star and that it’s cool to have long hair.” “Yes, sir.” Is all that the son says, and moves along.
Over the course of the next week, the son starts doing what his father has asked of him and feels as though he’s done a good job. So he once again goes up to his dad to ask about the car.
“Dad, do you have a second to talk about me taking the car out this weekend? I really want to take this girl out on a date.” He asks. His father replied “Son, your mom told me that there have been some obvious changes with the way you help out around the house. Like how the other day, you cleaned out the garage without being asked. Good job on that. Also, the other night as I walked down the hallway, I noticed your lamp was on, so I peeked in and it looked to me as if you were reading the Bible.”
The son says, “Yes sir, I was… So about the car?”
His father looks at him, then back down at the morning paper and simply replies “Haircut.”
The son, being too attached to his long locks, wracked his brain for a moment, then says “Well Dad, I’ve been thinking, after reading the Bible a bit, I’ve noticed that the apostles and even Jesus himself had long hair.”
And without looking up, the father says, “Well yes son, that is true, but they also had to walk their asses everywhere.”
2. A drunk man goes into a restaurant
A drunk man goes into a restaurant. He tells the waiter: “I’ll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers.”
The waiter tells him: “Sorry, we don’t serve drunk people. Please leave.”
The man angrily leaves, comes back 15 minutes later and says: “I’ll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers.”
The waiter tells him again: “Sorry sir, I already told you. We don’t serve drunk people. Please leave.”
The man leaves again, comes back 20 minutes later and says: “I’ll have one portion of Carbonara and 2 beers.”
The waiter shouts at him: “Get out of here now! I told you 2 times already: WE DON’T SERVE DRUNK PEOPLE!”
The man asks him: “Dude, is there a restaurant you don’t work at?”
3. A man enters a bar and sees a jar with money
A man enters a bar and sees a jar with money. He speaks with the bartender
Man: “That’s a big filled jar you got there. What is it for?”
Bartender: “We got a horse in the back that is really down at the moment, so we tried to cheer it up but it didn’t work. Anyone can try by adding $1 to the jar and if you get the horse to laugh you win all the money in the jar”.
The man thinks for a second, adds one dollar, and goes to the horse in the back. After 15 seconds the man comes back in and the horse is rolling on the floor with laughter.
Bartender: “How did you manage to do that?”
Man: “I can’t tell you, it’s a secret”.
He grabs his winnings and goes home.
The next week he returns and sees another jar, again he asks its purpose
Bartender: “Well you made the horse laugh, but now we are getting sick of its laughter. It hasn’t stopped since! Rules are the same, only now you have to make the laughter stop.”
Again the man thinks, adds a dollar, and goes to the back. Again, 15 seconds later he enters the bar again, with the horse crying/sobbing.
Bartender: “Okay you win, but only if you tell how you even managed to do this?”
Man: “Fine, I’ll tell you my secret. The first time I went to the horse I told him: “I’m certain that my dick is longer than your dick.”. Well, the horse was dying with laughter, I mean have you seen the size of his penis? Well, the second time I showed it to him.”
4. So a man is chilling’ in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room…
She starts yelling:
“I’m so tired of seeing you there all the freaking day! Go move your ass! Look! I’m cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!”
The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks the local zone of his brain in charge of elaborating them.
The man slowly walks to the market and asks to buy some snails. He buys a notable number of them and then starts walking back home.
On his way back, though, he stumbles upon his favorite bar.
“Well, a drink is always welcome. My wife would be mad at me for making her wait though, so I’ll just drink one beer and get back.”
Nine beers later, the man checks his phone and contemplates in awe how he’s spent several hours inside the bar and it’s almost night-time.
The man picks up the snails and runs towards his home. While on the apartment block, he starts going upstairs, when he suddenly notices how a door opens a floor above him.
It’s his wife, for sure, ready to yell the hell out of him for being extremely late. Suddenly, the man realizes he only has one chance to survive this.
The wife gets out of her home, ready to gaze-murder his surely drunk husband, but instead finds him at the stairs surrounded by snails, yelling:
“C’mon, FASTER, goddammit! We’ll never make it in time at this pace!”
5. Two strangers, a man, and a woman are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train
At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:
“Excuse me ma’am, but it’s really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?”
The woman answers:
“I’ll tell you what, I’m also feeling really cold, for one night, why don’t pretend we are married?”
The man, taken aback but enthusiastic replies:
“Yeah of course!”
And so the woman says:
“Good. Then fucking get it yourself you lazy ass.”
6. An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.
The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
The Irishman replied, “That’s just simple thievery, I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and says, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.” The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked 2 more times and after eating them again the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
7. After years of saving up, a Soviet man finally has enough to buy a car…
He goes to the appropriate ministry and informs them that he would like to purchase a vehicle.
“There are currently shortages, it will be three years before your car is available,” the minister informs the man. “We will have it sent to your house when it’s ready.”
“Three years,” he responds. “What month?”
“August,” says the minister.
“August? What day in August?” Asks the man.
“The Second of August,” says the minister.
“Morning or Afternoon?” Asks the man.
“Why do you need to know?” Asks the minister, getting exasperated.
“The plumber is coming in the morning,” the man responds.
8. Pretty woman sneezes
At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table.
Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.
“This is so embarrassing,” the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make it up to you. May I join you?” He nods.
The woman is a stimulating conversationalist, stunningly pretty, and the man finds they have a lot in common. He gets her phone number and asks, “You are the most charming woman I’ve ever encountered. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”
“No,” she replies. “You just happened to catch my eye.”
9. A doctor is walking down the street…
A doctor is walking down the street and he passes a man with a head the size of a golf ball. Before he can stop himself he yells “sir!”
The man turns around, and the doctor says “I’m sorry to bother you, but as a physician, I’ve never seen a condition like yours. How do you have a head so small?”
The man says “Well, it’s funny you ask. I was walking down the beach one day when a bottle happened to wash up on the shore. I picked it up and a genie came out in the form of a beautiful woman! She told me I could have anything in the world that I wanted. I told her that she was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen and that my wish was that I could have sex with her. She said ‘I’m sorry mortal, but that is one wish I can’t grant you.'”
Confused, the Doctor asked, “Well, what did you wish for?”
The man replied, “I thought about it, then I said ‘Well, if we can’t have sex, how about a little head?”
10. An Arab Sheikh in a hotel…
An Arab Sheikh was once visiting London. He was staying at a grand hotel. He was by himself and didn’t know English very well.
Just as he jumped on the bed, a mouse scurried out from under. He was confused at first, then terrified. He used the phone on the side stand to call room service. The bellboy took the call and asked what he needed. The Sheikh said, “Alfaar! Alfaar!” Which meant mouse in Arabic. The bellboy couldn’t understand and asked if he could repeat that in English.
The Arab thought for a bit and asked, “you know Tom and Jeri?” The bellboy said, “Yes, I know Tom and Jerry.” The Arab said, “Come come, Habibi Jeri is here.”
11. A man was known for throwing elaborate costume parties.
A successful lawyer and bachelor, he had a large home on the countryside where, once a year, he would welcome hundreds of guests to a gorgeous masquerade ball complete with a live band and exquisite catering. He would send out fancy invitations, and patrons would only be allowed into his party if they met two conditions.
1) They RSVP’d by mail.
2) They wore a costume that met his tastes and standards.
The man would stand at the door to his luxurious home and personally judge each costume. His likable and magnetic personality, the quality of the party, and the challenge of entry made this THE event to attend.
The night of the party came, and the man was standing at the door judging guests. For every ten he welcomed, hundreds were turned away.
Imagine his disappointment when Chuck, his best friend from college, showed up wearing grubby jeans, a stained T-shirt, and a backward baseball cap. On his back was some ditzy girl he probably just picked up at the bar, clinging to him and laughing flirtatiously.
“Sup bro?!” said Chuck.
“Dude… what you were thinking?” he replied.
“Whaddya mean?” Chuck asked.
“You know the rules, man. You didn’t RSVP.”
“Sorry, man. I just thought, you know, we’re such good friends…”
“Well,” said the man. “I would be willing to make an exception if you had worn a costume. But it looks like you didn’t even bother.”
“Excuse me!?” cried Chuck. “For your information, I am a turtle.”
The man stared at Chuck incredulously. “A turtle?”
Chuck nodded. “A turtle.”
“I don’t see how -”
Chuck did a little spin, and the girl on his back spread her arms wide and giggled. Very drunk.
“You see now?” asked Chuck.
The man shook his head.
Pointing at the girl on his back, Chuck said, “I’m a turtle, and this is Michelle.”
12. A biker was blazing down the freeway and was pulled over by a cop.
A biker was blazing down the freeway and was pulled over by a cop. The cop came up to the biker and pulled out his ticket pad.
He asked the biker, “What’s your name?”
The biker replies, “Fred.”
The cop asks again, No, what’s your full name?”
The biker again says, “Fred.”
Frowning, the cop asks again, “No, what’s your full name?”
Biker says, “Fred.”
Getting angry now, the cop asks again, “So why is your name Fred?”
The biker says, “Well it’s like this. I was born as Fred Johnson. All through school I was Fred Johnson. While in college, I decided I wanted to be a doctor. So I went to med school, got really good grades and became Fred Johnson, MD.
I was a doctor for about ten years and started to get bored with it, so I decided to become a dentist. I went back to school and after a few years, I became a dentist. So I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
A few years later, I got bored with dentistry and looked into something different. I thought I would like to be a massage therapist. So I went to school, studied hard and in a couple of years, I became a massage therapist. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, and LMT.
I really liked doing massages but one day I stepped over the line and had an affair with my married associate. And she gave me an STD. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, and LMT with an STD.
Now having affairs with your associates is a big no-no within the LMT business so they took away my LMT. So now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with an STD.
Needless to say, word got around and the med schools took away my MD. Now I’m Fred Johnson, DDS with an STD.
Of course, the school of dentistry found out about it too and took away my DDS. So then I’m Fred Johnson with an STD.
As luck would have it, the STD took my Johnson. So now I’m just Fred.”
13. A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.” Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was really something special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.” Passenger: “Wow, what a guy!”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong, and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”
Passenger: “How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”
14. An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night
An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, the same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him.
“So, you’ve been out drinking again!!” “What makes you say that?” He asks as he puts on an innocent look. “The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.”
15. Three men died and ended up in heaven
Three men died and ended up in heaven. They were greeted by a saint who told them, “You can stay here happily for all of eternity… as long as you don’t step on a duck.” The men all agreed to not step on any ducks and they went on their way.
The first man only lasted a couple of hours before he ended up tripping over a duck. The saint appeared and tied the ugliest woman he could find to the man’s wrist.
The second man lasted a week before he tripped over a duck as well. The saint appeared and tied another extremely ugly woman to his wrist.
The third man went years without ever stepping on a duck. Out of the blue, the saint appeared with the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen and tied her to his wrist. The man asked, “Whatever did I do to deserve such a reward?”
The woman turned to the man and said, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
16. The husband leans over and asks his wife
The husband leans over and asks his wife “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.”
Yes, she says, “I remember it well.”
OK, he says, “How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?”
“Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!”
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence the old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in…
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, “Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?”
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
“Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.”
17. The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them.
The Pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body — to be measured however they chose.
The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000.
Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000.
The two generals were very happy with their earnings.
Finally, the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his dick to the tip of his balls. The man said, ”Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?”
The general said no. ”Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want to be measured?”
The general said, ”Just do it!”
The man dropped the general’s pants and measured his dick. When he went for the general’s balls, they weren’t there. The man said, ”Sir, where are your balls.”
The general said, ”Vietnam.”
18. A man goes out to the bar with his friends but promises his wife he won’t drink.
A man goes out to the bar with his friends but promises his wife he won’t drink. All night long his friends try to convince him to drink with them and get a cab later. He finally relents and starts taking shots.
Pretty soon he catches and surpasses his friends. He gets so drunk that he throws up on his shirt. He tells the bartender how mad his wife will be when she finds out he drank.
The bartender says “Don’t worry, all you gotta do is put a twenty in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else threw up on you and paid for the dry-cleaning.”
The man emphatically agrees and continues drinking. When he finally takes a cab home he stumbles inside reeking of booze to find his wife waiting for him.
“Where were you?” She shouts.
“I was at the bar, but don’t worry, I wasn’t drinking.”
“Oh really? Then why is there puke on your shirt?”
“That wasn’t me. Someone threw up on me and gave me twenty bucks for dry cleaning. Check my pocket.”
She walks over and pulls cash out of his shirt pocket. “Why are there forty dollars here?”
He looks right at her and says “later in the night, the same guy shit my pants.”
19. A mother and her young son were flying
A mother and her young son were flying. Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?”
The mother said, “Well, maybe that’s something you could ask the stewardess.”
So the boy asked the stewardess, “If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?” The stewardess responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me?”
The boy admitted that this was the case. “Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you.”
20. There was a child who was absolutely obsessed with tractors.
There was a child who was absolutely obsessed with tractors. He had tractor wallpaper, model tractors, and pictures of tractors. Everything was about tractors for him.
However, as he grew older his love for tractors faded.
He went to university, married a girl and they had kids.
One day he came home and his house was on fire and his family was trapped inside!
He ran to the front door, took a deep breath and sucked all of the flames into his mouth.
Sobbing, his wife came out with the children and screamed ‘HOW ON EARTH DID YOU DO THAT?’
He replied, calmly ‘It’s easy. I’m an ex-tractor fan.’
21. A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida.
A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida and were nearing a town spelled K- I -S- S- I -M -M -E -E. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure out how to pronounce it. — KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into somewhere to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress, “My wife and I can’t figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are, and pronounce it very slowly so that I can understand?”
The waitress looked at him and said…”Buuuurrrrggggeeeerrrr Kiiinnngggg.”
22. (Funny Stories) There was a boy named Billy and he wasn’t very smart
There was a boy named Billy and he wasn’t very smart. He lived with his mother in a small town. Nobody liked him because he was really stupid, least of all his school teacher who was always annoyed with him.
One day Billy’s mother came to the school to learn how her son was doing. The teacher plainly told the mother that her son was a complete failure, he received the lowest grades and honestly she had never seen anyone half so stupid in her entire teaching career.
Billy’s mother was so enraged and embarrassed that she took her son and moved to another state.
25 years later the teacher was diagnosed with a very serious illness. The doctors told her that a heart surgery was necessary, and a very complex operation was required, an operation so difficult that only one doctor in the country was qualified enough to perform it. The teacher weighed her options and decided that she had no choice other than to do the surgery. Before being administered a general anesthetic, the teacher was told that the famed surgeon was already boarding the plane and would soon be here.
When she opened her eyes after the successful surgery, she saw a handsome young doctor who smiled at her. She wanted to thank him, raised her hand, but suddenly everything went numb, she found that she couldn’t produce a sound and her face went blue. She died instantly. The doctor was shocked and while trying to discover what had gone wrong he turned around and saw Billy the hospital janitor who unplugged the oxygen supply equipment to plug in the vacuum cleaner.
Come on, did you really think that Billy would become a surgeon?
23. (Hilarious Jokes) The agent of a beautiful actress discovered that the actress had been selling her body for $100 a night.
The agent, who had fantasized about her for long, had never dreamt that she was so easily obtainable. He approached her and told her how much she turned him on and how he wanted to do her.
She agreed to spend the night with him but said that he would have to pay the same $100 other customers paid.
He thought for a while, then said, “Don’t I, as your agent get at least a discount?”
“Nope,” she said. “If you want me, you have to pay full price like the others.”
The agent, although unhappy with that, still agreed.
That night, she came to his apartment after she was done for the day. The agent did her after turning off all the lights.
An hour later, she was awakened and vigorously done again. In a while again, she was yet again awakened and made love to. She was impressed with her agent’s vitality.
“My goodness,” she whispered in the dark, “you are so potent. I never realized how lucky I was to have you as my agent.”
“I’m not your agent, lady,” a strange voice said. “He’s at the door selling tickets.”
24. (Funny Puns) Three lads get lost in the jungle…
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. The first step of the trial was to go into the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.”
The king then explains the trial to him-you have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten.
The first apple went in…but on the second one he winced in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second guy arrives with ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…but on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?”
The second one replied, “I couldn’t help it. I saw the third guy coming with pineapples.”
25. (Funny stories with puns) I went to Spain for a holiday…
I went to Spain for a holiday and on Sunday everyone went to the biggest restaurant in town. We went there too. The food was really good but during the meal, I heard a drum roll.
The kitchen doors opened and the chef and maitre d marched out with a huge cloche. The locals all went quiet as they paraded this cloche around the entire restaurant. They placed the cloche in front of a customer and said:
” Señor your Cajones De Torres”
They lifted the cloche to reveal two huge meatballs smothered in an amazing sauce. Halfway across the restaurant, the smell was mouthwatering. The customer cuts into it and it was clear he was amazed at the taste.
We continued our meal but at the end, I asked what he has and the maitre d said,
“Señor, the Cajones De Torres is only available to one customer on a Sunday after the bullfight.”
He said I could order it for a weeks’ time so I immediately paid the money and booked us in for a weeks’ time.
During the week people kept coming to me and congratulating me on being a tourist getting the Cajones De Torres.
Sunday came around and I was waiting in the center of the restaurant. The doors opened to the drum roll. The Chef and maitre d marched out with the cloche. They placed it in front of me and said,
” Señor your cajones”
Lifting the cloche to reveal two tiny meatballs maybe an inch long each. I asked the maitre d what was going on:
” Señor the matador, he not always win!”
Funny Stories Final Thoughts
So these are the best funny stories with puns we have ever found. Now we are updating with new funny long stories. So check back later for more.